November 27, 2014

Of yesterday's dream

This evening, I was packing my stuff. It turned out that I found this old notebook of mine in the locker. Specifically, the notebook that I brought here and there for interviews, meetings, shopping etc etc

I am a taurus, okay. Notebooks are essential.

It happened that I flipped through the pages one by one, reading again all those weird, messy, stupid writings in it. Not all of them are stupid writings, there are good ones too lol There were like 4 pages, all I could see were the german words, which of course I still remember what they mean.

They are the pages of my unsung dream. The dream of being someone that I'd been planning for years and years of high school. I know, I shouldn't have these kind of conflicts now but you know they just keep on coming to make me doubt. I still honestly, sometimes think that I should have been doing thaaaaat,that that that dream of being an engineer. Ugh, to write it down the word 'e n g i n e e r' is totally hard enough though. Don't ask me why I am taking such a long time to move on from the fact that I am unable to live that old dream. Dude, since 13 - I had never been setting up any other goals than this one. None. Until this year, everything changed so drastically, it is no longer Germany but France, it is not Engineering but Political Science, not anymore Pure Science, Physics, Chemistry or what, it is now Social Sciences, economics, history, business. All the things are totally on the other side of the world that I thought I won't be living in . Never once I thought about France before, ended up now I have my A2 in French already.

It is drastic change. It is, no doubt.

I cried way too many times. From the first time until now, when someone asked me why giving up on engineering, going through sleepless nights during semester 1, losing appetite for almost a month because  there was a lot to be settled, you had to sacrifice your needs. I lied each time I say 'I am doing all good, fine great, cool, awesome...' it wasn't it. I had the thought of dropping out this programme because it felt so hard!

but, hey I made it through the first 6 months. Alhamdulillah. Only some knew how I was in the last 6 months. Horrible. To be honest, last 6 months were the phase that I had never felt that inferior feeling, stressed, down.

It was hard. I still have to wake up in the morning and remind myself not to think about that old dream, I have bigger goals now. That old, dusty dream should be erased by now.

But one thing that I learned is, I shouldn't have doubt the plans that He has for me. It is way better than mine and I shouldn't complain, right?

September 14, 2014

Rant part 1

When I feel down, I would always end up spilling everything on a piece of paper. I will write everything I want to tell, and I am not telling it to the book, but to my God.

the book, the paper; it's just a medium for me to speak.

Stop, I need a break

It has been like almost three months I'm here, in MFI.yeah, currently here doing preparation for Pre-France program.

well, frankly speaking doing something that wasn't in my list at all. But Alhamdulillah despite of not getting what I wanted to do, I still got the chance to study abroad.

Three months and I've been through a lot too. Didn't get much time to go online and write. Life never gonna be fun without the ups and downs. Too much ups and downs, I guess.

And to think like that, I've always thought that I ain't strong enough to carry all these pressure. It feels heavy. It suffocates.I lost my space.

I keep on thinking that I am losing every single thing that I used to have back then. Not to forget, I did once think to just give up. But hey, the path is never easy, whether I am taking the right ones or the left ones. The difficulties are there, couldn't avoid them. This makes me come to think why I am freaking sad about going through these challenges.Why dear self? Why so weak?

Maybe. I am getting too comfortable with my life back then. Not having so much pressure, feeling free and I was surrounded with those great people.

Or in other word, I am way too attached with what seems to appear physically in front of me.

And when those things start to fade away from my sight, I am sad because I know I am losing something. This is getting serious, I long for something that can be seen and touchable so then I think I have them, they're here; they exist.

Tonight, I sit down and finally able to talk to myself. Existence is not proven with physical presence. Of course! Air, tell me where is the air? Love, we often tell that we feel the love,we have the love but where is the love? Locate it, tell me how it looks like, capture it in a jar so that I can see. No, you cannot. Because existence is more than presence.

I wish I don't rely on what I see.

Cus I know He is always there even I can't see Him, I supposed to feel His love.

please, pray that I will stay strong. doing all these things because to please Him alone, for the sake of deen.

May 25, 2014


I had been wondering for the whole week. Why I am being so frustrated lately. Almost on everything. I did anything wrong or I was not satisfied or and or and or and or. It is just and endless questioning.

So, I think I can't be in frustration all the time, it might make me stressed! and no way I am going to let myself become so tensed. You have no idea how stressing it is cus whenever I got frustrated, I become so hopeless, weak, I don't know how to fight back those frustrations!

It is hard.

Verily, in every hardship comes easiness.

I noticed one thing in this frustration problem. After I tried to bring myself up again, I feel this you know this kind of 'I am strong', I can bear this even it is hard. I feel stronger and I can see things in good way like why this isn't for me etc

It feels like you are having direct tarbiyah from Allah :) cus He is the only one who holds every heart. He knows how to fix those broken hearts.

I erase it and continue sketching.

This is the phase where everyone talks about universities and courses and future undertakings etc etc and I admit that sometimes it is stressing just to hear people mentioning about that.

But, we can't never run away from those topics. It is like a must topic to be discussed in one's life. your life, my life, their lives and no one can actually escape from this. well, there is exceptional.

Back then, I was the loudest one to talk about future undertakings and I had this life plan of next 5 years, 10 years and 20 years. I was so detailed about planning my future, no doubt. I still have the 5 years life schedule. So, in the previous post I had explained how I erased all the plans and redraw it.

Alhamdulillah, I am currently sketching. But, this time it is not that easy. It is getting tougher and tougher and tougher. I almost give up, yeap a few days ago but you know, the One who holds your heart, He won't let that happen.

I haven't told anyone how actually I am feeling right now cus they just don't get it.

and you know what, I am thankful enough as I was well-trained by myself not to spill too much to human. and whoever was randomly picked by me, trust me what I told you was like 5% only.

the rest of 95%, you know Who.

April 30, 2014

Flipped over

I had been wondering for such a long time.

about a lot of things. If I am to list all out here, it would pretty long. I missed to rant over here.
So let's get this straight cus right now, I don't really have a place for me to just like tell everything that has been coming up to me lately and yeah what keeps me away from writing it down here is I had limited time.

What has been happening lately, well not so lately.. I already got my examination result and alhamdulillah couldn't ask for more ^^

I'd made decision that no one could think of. I mean those who knew me before all of these things.

and that is what I want to talk about.

Decision, choices whatever it is you just name it.

Almost everyone knows that my biggest dream is to be an engineer, to pursue mechanical engineering, engineering here, engineering there, not to forget physics always physics. You could got to any of my friends (especially my classmates), ask them how many times a day I talk about engineering in the class. Whenever people asked me what do you want to be, no doubt dude. My answer always gonna be 'I'll be an engineer!' I was so sure of my engineer-plan and I never think of any backup plans.

So, I didn't have to think much to you know just like forget all my dreams about engineering and all stuff. It happened like seriously fast. This is the sequence lol

1. I got my results. Good one, but spoiled two subjects.
2. I was not and am not frustrated about my result. Yeah that's true.
3. Those subjects, disqualified me from getting into engineering if I want to pursue in oversea universities.
4. My sister suggested political science.
5. I did some research about political science. Aha!
6. Applications for scholarships were opened, and I was like ermm being formatted? Yeap, totally.
7. I applied for political science.

That's it! That 1,2,3,4,5,6,&7 things happened in a week. No. Not exactly a week, just a few days like two or three days.

Don't be so freaking weird because I am totally confused with myself. Like what have you done to your 11 years of plan of engineering and all like in a few days you got all of them flushed right away?!

I did. But not in the toilet, just flushed them away from my mind hehe

But hey, I never ever say that I don't like engineering anymore, I wanna quit it right away! or anything that sounds like that. Still, until this moment I am writing about this, I still have greatest passion in engineering. I still wish that I could just you know have another options for me to study engineering. I hope.

and for like a month and a few weeks, I had been avoiding any questions that sound like this 'You prefer engineering or law or what?'
whoa that is totally a no no no question for me. It is just like a switch on button for my frustration mode? I kinda had sent telepathy to my friends warning them not to ask me any questions regarding my choices, okay? got it. right.

and there was one night. I couldn't even think of this happening to me -.- Basically, a member of mine you know we just had a random conversation and suddenly opened up the topic of 'engineering and law' AHA! That was a restricted question! You shouldn't ask that at the first place.

The questions he kept bringing up were expected ones but I was keeping this thing unspoken so when someone came in your way and randomly asking about this, you just couldn't hold it anymore and.. ugh I hate saying this. I cried that night because I just started to feel the regret.

I know that anything that I am deciding on I should have asked Him at the first place and I did. No matter how hard the decision I have to make, it would be the best for me and I don't know yet about it cus we humans don't have our future written on our faces.
This decision I had taken might be a surprise for everyone because in your right mind right now, you have the vision that you won't be seeing me with the title of Ir. or Miss Engineer. Come on, spare me some of your trust for the next step I am taking in. It won't be that bad anyway. Allah knows exactly what He had planned for me and we just know not.

Fighting has been enjoined upon you while it is hateful to you. But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not. (2:216)

I hope my member doesn't read this. Not even a word.

March 26, 2014

I was asked to give a speech and this is what I wanted to say.

Today, my colleagues of AUEI Group held  surprise party for the birthday peeps and I was the one who joined the conspiracy too as I am not the birthday girl. Mine is in May :)

So, we should be in UNITY for lunch and I was lil bit late getting in there. So when I got in there and didn't notice what was on the whiteboard.
But then, someone asked me to read what was on the whiteboard and so yeah.

'AUEI GROUP, JAMUAN BULANAN & HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO - Nik, Hah, A. Duan + Congratulation Nurul - SPM 9A'

and I was jaw-dropped. Didn't expect that it was also a surprise for me. There's only one thing I could say,

I am happy. Totally happy.

and then, they suddenly asked those birthday peeps to give some speech. and I was like kinda relieved as I thought I didn't have to do so but then  I was the one who kick the party started.

They asked me to give a speech and I was so surprised and that wasn't good for me. because when I am surprised and being too happy, I would be at loss of words.

'Thank you. hehehe Thank you.'

I said that. Nothing much but thanking them, not even giving salam -,-

But, if they could and ever find this. This is what I really want to say today, if my tongue wasn't frozen.

Dear Colleagues,
Assalamualaikum wbt. I wanna thank all of you guys for this surprise.  Even though I've been here just for a few months. These things are very nice and thank you so much. It feels great to learn something I'd never known before and being around all of you, it feels like family. I am grateful enough and thank you so much :)

This is what I wanted to say.

February 12, 2014

A quest for self.

It is already 11th February of 2014. Yet so fast. I just realized that January had just passed about almost two weeks. Yet so fast, I didn't even realize it.

To say that I am busy is just unfair and totally wrong.


Because I was not that busy. still am not. So, it is not a valid reason for me to use.

Being in the second week of February makes me to stop for a while and look back on what I have done for the whole month of January. Was January a month worth to be remembered or I would be like slamming off the door hard because of my regrets?

sort of... the second answer. for me.

I am getting older by every second and that aging process happens without me noticing. I didn't notice it because I was so into the fun around me. Having the thoughts of I am still young, long way to go, etc etc just makes me to doze off in the nightmares of life.

I am somewhat and somehow once again stuck in this situation of me demanding for answers.
I like it how I am stuck like this cus it makes me think about my whole life that I had spent. It takes me to sit down for a while and have flashbacks.
I analyse those days, what I achieved, what shouldn't I have done, what shouldn't I miss and lots of questions pop out.

and for people like me, that always be a such forgetful person, I noticed one thing. This thing seems like unimportant but actually it plays a big role in our life for every second of it.

Being thankful.

I admit that I am NOT being thankful for every second in life that I had. You just being so thankful when something crossed your mind and you go like 'Oh thank God!' 'Alhamdulillah!!' 'Thank you so much Allah for this and that and these....'

I wonder why we get to say these words of thankfulness to Allah only when we notice the gift, the ni'mat that appears in our sight? Why about other small things? Are we not being thankful of that small things?

I am pretty confused with myself. During those times of me having struggles, I barely hardly realized that it was actually a gift from Allah which apparently happens to bring me closer to Him. and why I couldn't even say Alhamdulillah, Thank You Allah for this... because in my opinion, struggles are not to tie us to the ground, hold us from rising up from failures etc but it is to repair, to fix the broken relationship between us and Allah.

because we wronged Allah for so many times in a day but we never be the first to fix everything. He is the one that opens the door of repentance for us, still giving us the over-flooding ni'mat, the one that would forgive us for all the time.

This song exactly describes how I felt.

Allah never forget His servants, so we don't have the rights to forget Him even for a breath.

Credits : Umar Mita

January 16, 2014

infinity and....?

I was in the office and it was 10 a.m. I realized that it is 15 of January already. A month had passed, Alhamdulillah.

So back then on 15th December 2013, I started working at this one company. Well, just accidentally got the job. So much alhamdulillah, I couldn't even express my feelings when I got the job. Happy, scared, shocked etc etc all mixed up haha

I am not going to rant about work and stuff because the whole one month, I had have learnt so much, beyond what I expected. Not only in context of work field but to be honest I learnt how to deal with tough situations with thousand types of attitudes and everyday, I got a lesson to remembered and to learn.

In the office, I learned how those senior staffs communicate with clients and directors. They are professional but sometimes we just slipped away from the track and things are ruined. But,seeing in some situations in working field, there is a few things shouldn't happen as we are in a muslim community.

Based on my observation. I travel a lot, I observe and I learn.
and I can summarize it in one formula(?)

well, mostly in maths we learn that infinity, even when divided by smaller number all that we will get is infinity. But when smaller number is divided by infinity, we will get zero.

Infinity here represents as Allah swt.
Smaller numbers are the dunya, the problems, the loves, the hatred, the wealth and all.

we muslims claim that Allah is our priority but most of the times, I see people dropping it by the roadside. They are slowly picking up smaller things of the dunya and put it above Allah. We might be thinking that we get to solve all our problems and we can stay cool for the next hours and days. But, that what we think. Does it really end like what we think?

It is not.

Eh, why?

Because you had just placed Allah below everything that should never be placed there. In everything, we should remember that Allah is our number one, first and foremost priority not other stuff. When we place Allah at the right place, inshaAllah, all those things that keep on burdening us will be solved.

Buzz Lightyear always says this, 'To the infinity and beyond!'

What if, 'For the Infinity(Allah swt) and beyond!

For the sake of Allah, and everything beyond what we expected will turn to us :)

Credits to: Umar Mita