May 25, 2016

Turning 20 and first challenge

I got my friends asking me why they couldn't find me on twitter and I told them I've deactivated my account.

I don't know why but I am not enjoying being 20 for now. I've a lot of things happening and they're making me feel so devastated, hopeless and blank.

Let's make long story short, I got my university admission results a week ago and I wasn't accepted by my first choice university. When I got to know that, honestly speaking, I was not sad at all and instead I felt so relieved (I don't lie, trust me.). Only 4 of us managed to make it as the university or what we call them in French, Grande École, prestigious higher education institute has a admission quota for Malaysian which is 4 persons. So, I must say that my friends who got there totally deserved the places.

and me on the other hand, I have to change my course. I won't be doing Political Science anymore, I have to completely change my current future projects in a split second. I was then left with two more possibilities of pursuing my studies in Economics or Business Management. A few days ago, our professors released the results for another two grandes écoles and I got the one that I did not expect to get at all.

I had breakdown for days. I've never been in that kind of situation, a happy go lucky, outgoing me suddenly turned to be a passive me. I couldn't talk to anyone, I avoided everyone, I skipped my meals.

Don't you say that it's just a small problem, "why would you stress yourself over it?"

How would you feel when your detailed life plan has to be changed and you have to execute the new one in less than one month, alone without visible support? How can you possibly forget your passion in a short time?

I took freaking 2 years to completely get out of my childhood dream to take engineering and slowly convinced myself that I am in this new field, that is totally contrary to what I ever wanted. Now, when I've finally found my ground in political science, once again I am not meant to take it and I have to to something that I despise a lot and it will be what my degree and master about.

I swear I know and aware that I don't get to decide what I want. I know but He actually knows the best for me. But to go through once again all those stuggles, it's not easy. You may see me laughing and smiling in the pictures with my friends or when I was texting anyone, I didn't even sound like I was struggling. No silly, you don't show your dark side to people. Of course you don't want to influence anyone else with your negative vibes that attacking you.

I know I can't blame anyone as it is what I've been uttering in my prayers everyday.
"If a matter is good for every aspect in my life, present and hereafter, bring me closer to it and bring it closer to me. But if a matter is bad for every aspect of mt life, present and hereafter, avoid me from it and avoid it from me."

I hope that I will unfold the answers sooner. I'm in a tough phase and everything seems to be difficult for me now. Really, I couldn't even describe how I feel.

Note to myself, always always always be thankful for whatever it is. God's testing you, He will never let one down.

May 20, 2016

What's so good about all girls' school

Peace be upon you all amazing creatures who are wasting their time on this space.

I love you dearly 
Alright, so recently - about two days ago, I went to my old high school to join the Teacher's Day celebration and also to meet my teachers and juniors before leaving, well basically this is one of the must do things on the list of a Zainabian. The celebration was awesome, I must say the kids have improved a lot, in terms of their managerial skills, communication skills, decorations, techs, everything!

It has been like 2 years since I left the school and I couldn't lie those five years I spent there were the best years in my life. I never regret going there, well at the first place - I did. I'd tried my best to get out of the school just because I felt inferior due to the fact that I was the only daughter in my family who didn't get to enter islamic school. But, I did get the chance to learn the same thing like my other sisters; I learned Arabic and other subjects too. So, it was basically not a loss for me being in this school.

All of my sisters and I, we went to all girls' schools. When I got the offer, I was trying to figure out how am I gonna survive in this school because back then what I knew about going to all girls' school would be only about bad things - lesbians, bullies, etc...
Because of these negative impressions I had always opposed the idea of staying in the dormitory. Well, my father wasn't available for all the time throughout the schooling days, he couldn't drop me off at school every day even though, it wasn't that far, 15 - 20 mins by car and it is in the center of the city so sometimes we have to bear with the slow traffic in the morning and late in the evening.

Eventually, I no longer have these denials. I am totally grateful that I went to that school because I didn't expect that I would enjoy it so much and even if there are kids out there ask me is it worth going to an all girls' school, YES IT IS! Without any doubt, you can never enjoy the life you've had in this type of school somewhere else.

So, what's so good about being in an all girls' school?

1) It's all about being free
You will never have to worry about getting nasty glances from the opposite gender because they simply just don't exist! I would say that I didn't even have to stupidly act like a wanita melayu terakhir at school; I mean you can do whatever you want. Sports? Come on, run as fast as you want, jump as much as you want, no one would catcall, mock or make fun of you and the most important thing is that you won't be feeling insecure at all. We all girls, nothing to be ashamed of.

2) Monthly off - it's normal
Everyone understands PMS and all those girly stuff, we all have them on monthly basis - mood swings, cramps, vomits, back pain, cravings etc... If you're having leakage during your first days and super critical cramps, your friends are there to help and eventually you can just sleep in class. In my school, in each class we have this one reading area, we have pillows, carpet or mats to sit or lay down. So basically during teachers transition, we would take a nap together at the back of class  (this is super helpful during ramadhan). Teachers understand this issue very well, so the school actually provides extra uniforms and you can just find all important items in the school mart or get it free from the counsellor. But, sick bays are always occupied - every day. You hardly can get a bed there.

The majority in my school are muslims and we have this 20 mins before school ends to perform Dhuhr prayer together. I've been to this one camp and my groupmate (a guy whom I guess had no common sense at all) asked me whether did I go to the masjid or not for dawn prayer and bad luck for me because I was on my break and I literally had to lie to him. Here, boys, you take note; don't don't don't ask a girl that you barely know these kind of questions "Can you pray?" "Are you fasting?" or something that relates to that - we are not comfortable to tell you the truth if we are on our monthly off. It's something personal. So, get your common senses together and shut it up.

Back at the topic, ramadhan is all about fasting but when Allah says "Dear girl, it's time for you to rest." In all girls' school, we would know who is fasting or not and we actually bring foods to be shared with each other LOL. We would eat quietly during recess - we know how to respect others too, okay.

3) No love drama
This one is the thing that I am so so grateful for being in an all girls' school. All these love love thingy is totally haraam sister in the school! Of course, you only have girls all around you, guys? Only those uncles working at the canteen, maintenance guys, dentists and doctors once in a while and visitors. I was staying in dormitory and I didn't join any tuition classes so basically, my world revolved at the same place, with same people. I can tell you that I don't befriend with guys during the 5 years of high school because I was too over powered with the idea of hating guys and thinking that they were immature. I did join several seminars and competitions that require me to work among the guys - I did it professionally, when the thing ends, everything will end too.

There are also those students who don't stay in dormitory so they go to tuition classes and get to meet with other students, boys and girls. I would say that is one of the way how they become friends? I don't know.

Frankly, you can say my high school life is a bit boring hahaha I know. I had little interaction with outside people and there's no episode of me having crushes on boys - I enjoyed it anyway. You don't need those lovey dovey part to make your school days memorable. I am stress-free (from this stupid thing, not from exams), I don't have to worry about getting jealous over a girl liking my guy or whatever. I spent my time studying and had fun with my girls.

4) Your family knows all your friends
I think this is just same with other schools too. But it is kinda different for me because my parents would actually know my friends and also their parents too. It is kinda good for the sake of your own safety, right? One of the ways to contact me back then was through phone via the landline, social media and thru whatsapp. The funny thing which only my girlfriends knew is that I used my mom's whatsapp to text my friends, I didn't have my personal whatsapp account because I was using basic phone and I just don't really text people. I found it really awkward when I go to camp, seminars, competitions and people were asking for my whatsapp number, there was only one thing in my mind - How the heck am I gonna give it to you? It's my mother's number! But these people hardly understand it, when I gave them my personal number - which I used to contact my family and close friends only (now, nope lol.) they would be like, "oh you don't have whatsapp?". Super-duper awkward.

Well, because of I only befriend with girls, my parents didn't have to worry a lot. They just basically monitor me through my friends and everything was just fine. I didn't think it was an extreme control, not over protecting, it was fine for me.

I guess I have been a bit out of the context up there, but who cares :) There's a lot of good things you can benefit by attending an all girls' school, I didn't mention all though. I would say the most important thing is discovering myself and building my character. I mean, girl is the most complicated creature to understand in this world and living as a girl together with other girls for five years really had taught me about knowing myself. I handle well my emotions now, I understand other girls more because we are already complicated and then, we exist in so many different types. It helps me to deal with friends in college life, a lot actually. So, I knew it would waste my time to deal with someone who is not in the mood, just let her be.

I learned a lot of things too besides those academic subjects, dancing, cooking, sewing bla bla bla. It wasn't that easy when learning it at first, but you'll just enjoy it in no time. I enjoyed dancing so much back then but sigh, now in co-ed; it seems to be limited and not favorable by some people.

What I like the most in girls' school is when we have events like celebrations of eid, teacher's day, achievement, sports day, dinner and luncheon -whoa you can't recognize these kids anymore. I mean annual dinner and luncheon are the most awaited events each year,the students would dress up like Grammy's and the perfomances are just awesome. You lose your voice whenever there's a celebration; you'll cheer, shout and scream as loud as you can for the performances, your friends and your house. We don't have cheerleaders but we won't stay there doing nothing lol there will always be a bunch of kids dancing and cheering all the time.

Me? I cheered too, the loudest I cannnnn :D

That's basically what I can say about my experience as an all girls' school student. I'd lost nothing actually, well for some part - yes I was a bit left behind but there's a plenty of time for you to catch up and make it up.

Shout out to my girl friends who are the best companions I've ever had, to my school lol for witnessing a part of my growing up phase, every single memory will never be forgotten :)

Honestly speaking, I can never be more proud as a Zainabian.

Till then.

May 12, 2016

Giving it back

Peace be upon you :)

Today, I was randomly reading articles from the internet and I stumbled upon this one topic about giving and receiving. It made me think on how this two words rhyme together but they actually are two different actions that compliment each other.

But does that mean these actions will both happen to the giver and receiver? - I mean the one who gives will he or she receive from the person that gets his/her gift and vice versa. I don't believe so :)

I think all of us must have received a gift at least once in our lifetime and do you still remember the excitement and how happy you are when you have it your hands? It totally boosts up your mood and eventually you'll mark that day as one of the best day ever in your journal entry and somehow for me, when this thing happens - I would be telling myself that this person should be getting something from me to make it fair for him or her.

If I don't even prepare a return gift to the person, does it mean I am not being fair? Actually, for me in giving and receiving, there is no such thing like being fair. Why? Let's get back to when we first decide that 'Oh! I should be  am getting this fella a gift.' did anyone tell you that it is a must to do it? No, it is a choice. Indeed, our very own choice. So, at this moment we are well aware that we might not be getting back what we give from that particular person, it doesn't ricochet in that manner for some groups of people.

Like me, myself that I barely know (I'm still figuring out, lol does that even make sense?), I hardly give people stuff like present or gift whatever it is that needs me to choose the item by myself for the reason that I am afraid I might be getting wrong gift. But, there are exceptions too. I do get people stuff, I do this 'give and receive' ritual. I personally believe that this kind of attitude of giving was cultured from the years of I've been receiving gifts. For 20 years of living, I've spent 19 years of getting cakes and gifts for whatever achievements I got and for birthdays etc. I still remember vividly the feeling when someone give me something, it really makes my day.

So then I think, I've been experiencing the joy of being the receiver for years, why not this time I share and spread the same feeling to other people, preferably my favourite ones. I am so blessed that I am surrounded with people that never stop to encourage me. Besides my family, I have this one group of friends who would constantly ask me about my studies, my exams, my day - basically everything! As I could remember I have never gone to sit for my exams without getting any good luck wishes from these people. You would say that they are just wishes, nothing more. But to me, wishes are more than that, it is like you know there are people who are counting on you, believe in you so much and you cannot crush them with another failure. So these wishes that I received from my mates, I give them back, some to the ones who gave them first and some to the people that I think they might need it.

There was once, I was wishing my good friend good luck for the upcoming exam (if I'm not mistaken) and my other friend who apparently saw my messages told me:-

"why would you wish that person when you already know he wouldn't even care to send you a good luck text when it comes to your turn having exams and stuff? Don't you think you've wasted your time?"

I did believe in her for a while hahaha well, I did expect the same thing to happen but as what I said earlier, what you give might not return to you in the same circle. The circle may break, the gift flows to another person and it probably won't be you. Same thing will happen to us, we might be getting wishes and gifts from unexpected people. Like when I have this university interview, I was hoping for some people to wish me but I haved other people that I barely talked to, suddenly came out of nowhere and wished me good luck. It made my day too even they are not the people I hoped for.

Gifts can be for remembrance, as gratitude, as forgive me-kit, they can be anything :) so, we don't randomly give things to people. They might be someone who is really significant to us. You give according to how you placed this one person in your life and for other individual, each person is placed differently in their lives. That what makes us tend to appreciate people more, it is based on how we value someone. You might be my favourite person but for you, I might be just a common friend like your any other friends.

Don't be sad when things just don't happen the way you want them to be. Circles may break. Afterall, did you notice that, we are never being forced to give, we voluntarily give. It is one act out of love :) when you love, you don't get to decide who it will be - it just happens.

Have you heard of this one quote?

"What a child doesn't receive he can seldom give later."
 -P.D James

 Afterall, it wouldn't harm you to give once for a while, isn't it? Good night :)