November 27, 2014

Of yesterday's dream

This evening, I was packing my stuff. It turned out that I found this old notebook of mine in the locker. Specifically, the notebook that I brought here and there for interviews, meetings, shopping etc etc

I am a taurus, okay. Notebooks are essential.

It happened that I flipped through the pages one by one, reading again all those weird, messy, stupid writings in it. Not all of them are stupid writings, there are good ones too lol There were like 4 pages, all I could see were the german words, which of course I still remember what they mean.

They are the pages of my unsung dream. The dream of being someone that I'd been planning for years and years of high school. I know, I shouldn't have these kind of conflicts now but you know they just keep on coming to make me doubt. I still honestly, sometimes think that I should have been doing thaaaaat,that that that dream of being an engineer. Ugh, to write it down the word 'e n g i n e e r' is totally hard enough though. Don't ask me why I am taking such a long time to move on from the fact that I am unable to live that old dream. Dude, since 13 - I had never been setting up any other goals than this one. None. Until this year, everything changed so drastically, it is no longer Germany but France, it is not Engineering but Political Science, not anymore Pure Science, Physics, Chemistry or what, it is now Social Sciences, economics, history, business. All the things are totally on the other side of the world that I thought I won't be living in . Never once I thought about France before, ended up now I have my A2 in French already.

It is drastic change. It is, no doubt.

I cried way too many times. From the first time until now, when someone asked me why giving up on engineering, going through sleepless nights during semester 1, losing appetite for almost a month because  there was a lot to be settled, you had to sacrifice your needs. I lied each time I say 'I am doing all good, fine great, cool, awesome...' it wasn't it. I had the thought of dropping out this programme because it felt so hard!

but, hey I made it through the first 6 months. Alhamdulillah. Only some knew how I was in the last 6 months. Horrible. To be honest, last 6 months were the phase that I had never felt that inferior feeling, stressed, down.

It was hard. I still have to wake up in the morning and remind myself not to think about that old dream, I have bigger goals now. That old, dusty dream should be erased by now.

But one thing that I learned is, I shouldn't have doubt the plans that He has for me. It is way better than mine and I shouldn't complain, right?