It has been one year. I thought I would never have any boost up gift from Him.
That one year was a tough period. I was dealing to fight for the exam, the very one that will let me to have my own ticket to get on the next train to travel. I dealt with myself, finding its own way back, tracking the path that had been covered by piles of dust that I might just missed of one of them. Still, never could I find the end of the path because it is endless. Even when I breathe the last breath, it is not ending. Eventually, it is getting started, the eternity of life.
In that period, I had to balance both. My soul was demanding for feed. I, myself need the knowledge it has been hungered for. I had no idea how the struggles were and how I got through them. All I could remember are the almost-giving-up moments, sighs, cries and silent screams.
My sister, she gave me a book, well actually a diary. But a diary is not supposed to be only diary; I made it as my journal, more like a notebook. It is not private. I shifted my life as I had my U-turn at the turning points back then in 2012. And every single of the days was different. Got back to Al- Quran and tried to understand more the hadiths that I learned. She gave me a book, the one that people are still searching for, rare to be found in Malaysia; Reclaim Your Heart by Yasmin Mogahed. It is not just a book, but a manual to fish back the upset, lost and dehydrated heart and cherish it with lots and lots of love from Rabb.
Back then, I never feel like the love from Allah was surrounding me and I thought that I fought for life alone, just being accompanied by people who weren’t feeling the same like me. But, one will never know what Allah has planned for one’s soul. After 16 years of being totally at halt, I was awakened by ‘heart need’. It was when my heart was at lost, I felt completely empty and I could not tell which one was the real pain and which was the real joy. I thought of myself, the purposes of me being here and what the things I should have done. At that point I started to look for answers, looked deep into myself. I tried to figure out what was the thing my heart screamed for? You know, the pain was indescribable. You look like normal on the outside but it was aching all over your body and your nerves were about to explode. The heart was like grieving and it could not be expressed it words.
I wrote how I found the answers here. You may check it.
In the meantime of discovering the path, I did not get to hold on the rope tightly, sometimes I slipped. Alhamdulillah, Allah has granted people to stand beside me and they are the ones who remind me which path to take and avoid. We all moved together, trying to help each other.
I think because I don’t really listen to people (back then) that is why I quickly learnt from songs, from observations and readings.
Alhamdulillah, I am still on the track, hoping for no turning back.
Allah, He gave me, us one priceless lesson. After a year, during the exam, I was sort of despairing and started to play around and do nothing. I was in need of what I got last year, something to boost me up. So I asked from Him, a gift to heal my heart, to feed my soul, to fix back my intention.
He gave me a good lesson; Sehidmizi Ahmad Ammar bin Ahmad Azam (May Allah have mercy upon him)
A young guy that I have never known before had made my jealous level to rise above than its limit. He and his journey had totally made my eyes wide opened to see there is still far away ahead. I never ever had been jealous over any person this bad; I could not even see his videos again and again, reading articles about him and any posts from his friends and his parents. I had tremendous Goosebumps in me and enough to bring tears to well up.
He is the one that Allah has given to me as another wake up call. For me to cherish back and know that there is still hope. Allah has never moved an inch from me, but it only me who would move away.
I know that it would be more up’s and down’s coming interrupting, and that is the condition of our iman, the people. Just gotta try the best to keep it in the best condition.
How I wished that I could meet all those people who Allah had made to be the ones that deliver His messages to me. Just to thank them.
|Credits: Umar Mita|