December 06, 2013

Another gift :)

It has been one year. I thought I would never have any boost up gift from Him.

That one year was a tough period. I was dealing to fight for the exam, the very one that will let me to have my own ticket to get on the next train to travel. I dealt with myself, finding its own way back, tracking the path that had been covered by piles of dust that I might just missed of one of them. Still, never could I find the end of the path because it is endless. Even when I breathe the last breath, it is not ending. Eventually, it is getting started, the eternity of life.

In that period, I had to balance both. My soul was demanding for feed. I, myself need the knowledge it has been hungered for. I had no idea how the struggles were and how I got through them. All I could remember are the almost-giving-up moments, sighs, cries and silent screams.

My sister, she gave me a book, well actually a diary. But a diary is not supposed to be only diary; I made it as my journal, more like a notebook. It is not private. I shifted my life as I had my U-turn at the turning points back then in 2012. And every single of the days was different. Got back to Al- Quran and tried to understand more the hadiths that I learned. She gave me a book, the one that people are still searching for, rare to be found in Malaysia; Reclaim Your Heart by Yasmin Mogahed. It is not just a book, but a manual to fish back the upset, lost and dehydrated heart and cherish it with lots and lots of love from Rabb.

Back then, I never feel like the love from Allah was surrounding me and I thought that I fought for life alone, just being accompanied by people who weren’t feeling the same like me. But, one will never know what Allah has planned for one’s soul. After 16 years of being totally at halt, I was awakened by ‘heart need’.  It was when my heart was at lost, I felt completely empty and I could not tell which one was the real pain and which was the real joy. I thought of myself, the purposes of me being here and what the things I should have done. At that point I started to look for answers, looked deep into myself. I tried to figure out what was the thing my heart screamed for? You know, the pain was indescribable. You look like normal on the outside but it was aching all over your body and your nerves were about to explode. The heart was like grieving and it could not be expressed it words.

I wrote how I found the answers here. You may check it.

In the meantime of discovering the path, I did not get to hold on the rope tightly, sometimes I slipped. Alhamdulillah, Allah has granted people to stand beside me and they are the ones who remind me which path to take and avoid. We all moved together, trying to help each other.

I think because I don’t really listen to people (back then) that is why I quickly learnt from songs, from observations and readings.

Alhamdulillah, I am still on the track, hoping for no turning back.

Allah, He gave me, us one priceless lesson. After a year, during the exam, I was sort of despairing and started to play around and do nothing. I was in need of what I got last year, something to boost me up. So I asked from Him, a gift to heal my heart, to feed my soul, to fix back my intention.

He gave me a good lesson; Sehidmizi Ahmad Ammar bin Ahmad Azam (May Allah have mercy upon him)
A young guy that I have never known before had made my jealous level to rise above than its limit. He and his journey had totally made my eyes wide opened to see there is still far away ahead. I never ever had been jealous over any person this bad; I could not even see his videos again and again, reading articles about him and any posts from his friends and his parents. I had tremendous Goosebumps in me and enough to bring tears to well up.

He is the one that Allah has given to me as another wake up call. For me to cherish back and know that there is still hope. Allah has never moved an inch from me, but it only me who would move away.

I know that it would be more up’s and down’s coming interrupting, and that is the condition of our iman, the people. Just gotta try the best to keep it in the best condition.

How I wished that I could meet all those people who Allah had made to be the ones that deliver His messages to me. Just to thank them.

Credits: Umar Mita

Allahurabbi. Wahasytini. 

Test Reflection

It has been like 3 days after I had finished sitting for SPM, Alhamdulillah. As usual, everyone would be like telling the same, the exam was so freaking hard etc. Yeah, I agree with that.

To be sitting the exam myself, well after years of waiting, seeing my sisters and brothers and seniors passed it were a great experience. In like 3 weeks, I had just learnt a few simple yet important things in life.

Frankly speaking, at first, I thought it would be a true examination without question leakages, spot questions; you name it. Seriously, I was so eager to see that none of these things happen. But it was just hopeless.
I never really care if others got involved in this case, but not when my own friends also got in trouble.
It feels like you had failed.

Well, every night starting from the first night before Malay Language paper, all of us prayed together and had the best laughs instead of being nervous about tomorrow (the nervousness just won’t help haha). I still remember, we sat together and I told myself and them to tajdid our ni’ah(intentions), why we are taking this exam and what do we want out of striving really hard. I was hoping that all of us remembered this and never ever got the wrong intentions.

So, we were doing right. But when it started to have leakages here and there, I just know that it is considered as I am cheating if I ever get involved in this case. A serious cheating ‘cause you not only cheat yourself, but the teachers, the parents and all of the people that were having hopes on you. What matter the most is, you cheat Allah.

I thought that we would never get involved but who knows.

Every time when someone would tell that she got leaked questions, some would like stand up and warned all of us.  We should have always being reminded by others.

‘Stop taking those stuffs. Bila lagi nak be confident of yourselves and prove your own ability?’

And I just could not stop that from coming and hit us so hard in the middle of the way.

But, Allah is just fair. He helped me, if He did not moved my heart to go home, I will never ever be guilty-free.  It was the moment when you realized that you have grabbed a lift just before you sink.

Credits: Umar Mita

For me, SPM in another view is not just an intelligence –based examination. It was more than that. When all of us has came to the age of 17 years old, in the end of the year we would be tested in an examination, to test our intelligence; maybe how far we had understood what had been taught for years and to test our honesty. 

It would be like thousands of bullets come hitting you from all directions and boundaries that would just make you feel giving up and take the shortcuts. In gripping your own, very own success, there would be no shortcuts. It is either you take the long way or play it safe.  In driving, we should take shortcuts because it is not cheating!  But in exams, those shortcuts are so wrong. 

For me, as I reflected on what had happened and on what people had told me, what you did before, during and after the exam contributes in the results.

SPM is mostly about learning. In learning, we have learners, teachers, the givers and the receivers. So, the barakah really plays a big role in here. I remembered once my teacher had told me about barakah, the blessings in learning.

Imam Ghazali, he was a good student. One day he went to class a little bit late. So, he studied and listened well to the teacher but he found that it was so hard to understand what was being taught about and nothing he could focus on that day. So he asked someone about that (I could not remember who was it), why was that happening to him? That person told that he had hurt his teacher’s feeling by, coming to class late; he had distracted the teacher and students’ focus. When he opened his book and the sound of turning pages distracted them once again.

That totally, truly shows how it is important barakah in learning. Imam Ghazali is such an obedient man; he is an Imam, the founder of mazhab Ghazali. But, we are the no one, with such attitude. We must have been hurting our teachers so much and never really care about the barakah.

Maybe it had happened for some of us and just could not say, ‘It is already happening so don’t think too much. ’ You can forget it just when you fix and mend it. But what should I fix?  The papers had been already sent to everywhere and we just could not ask the old days to rewind and replay.

Fix it through Allah. Ask for His forgiveness and blessings. Fix your heart, never to do the same mistakes again. That is the way how to fix it.

It has come to the end but not the end of the journey. Just a lot more to learn, to give and to take. May  Allah bless you J