September 14, 2014

Rant part 1

When I feel down, I would always end up spilling everything on a piece of paper. I will write everything I want to tell, and I am not telling it to the book, but to my God.

the book, the paper; it's just a medium for me to speak.

Stop, I need a break

It has been like almost three months I'm here, in MFI.yeah, currently here doing preparation for Pre-France program.

well, frankly speaking doing something that wasn't in my list at all. But Alhamdulillah despite of not getting what I wanted to do, I still got the chance to study abroad.

Three months and I've been through a lot too. Didn't get much time to go online and write. Life never gonna be fun without the ups and downs. Too much ups and downs, I guess.

And to think like that, I've always thought that I ain't strong enough to carry all these pressure. It feels heavy. It suffocates.I lost my space.

I keep on thinking that I am losing every single thing that I used to have back then. Not to forget, I did once think to just give up. But hey, the path is never easy, whether I am taking the right ones or the left ones. The difficulties are there, couldn't avoid them. This makes me come to think why I am freaking sad about going through these challenges.Why dear self? Why so weak?

Maybe. I am getting too comfortable with my life back then. Not having so much pressure, feeling free and I was surrounded with those great people.

Or in other word, I am way too attached with what seems to appear physically in front of me.

And when those things start to fade away from my sight, I am sad because I know I am losing something. This is getting serious, I long for something that can be seen and touchable so then I think I have them, they're here; they exist.

Tonight, I sit down and finally able to talk to myself. Existence is not proven with physical presence. Of course! Air, tell me where is the air? Love, we often tell that we feel the love,we have the love but where is the love? Locate it, tell me how it looks like, capture it in a jar so that I can see. No, you cannot. Because existence is more than presence.

I wish I don't rely on what I see.

Cus I know He is always there even I can't see Him, I supposed to feel His love.

please, pray that I will stay strong. doing all these things because to please Him alone, for the sake of deen.