December 28, 2012

A blessed tragedy.

Lol, the title is sooo fancy seems like something serious to be revealed soon hahaha

 Assalamualaikum and may Allah bless us, every second breath is belonged to Him. What I am going to write is not a big deal pun. for the whole 2 months, ever since I have the hijrah thingy in my life, I dont expect any changes in me. Bukan lah I dont expect any changes at all but not the changes that physically nampak which makes people to feel awkward and sorta unfriend me or whatever it is.

Alhamdulillah, it has been 2 months after all since the hijrah and I am grateful enough, thankful for that. Cus I think I most probably have found the missing pieces of myself yang selama ni I was searching. It wasn't easy to find it, sometimes you were very eager, full of ambitious to figure out where you'd left the missing pieces but sometimes you were totally drunk in this worldly life and eventually you forgot to find the missing pieces. That was me and still how I am. I admit that.

Maybe people who didn't how I was before, let me tell you a lil bit.

Back then, I was a K-Pop addict (I AM TOTALLY REGRET BEING ONE). Yeah the one that perasan pandai cakap Korea, that kind yang tiba tiba jadi aggressive when it comes about Korea and stuff, that kind yang somewhat jadi ambitious to visit Korea or further one's study there and etc etc, that type yang sanggup berhabis duit just to buy those their idols' albums and secara tak langsung anything related to Korea is their problems. That was me and do take a note here, I am not bashing any of you guys, this is how I reflect myself being one of that kind of person.
I was an ignorant. I used to ignore people's feelings, situations around me anything that happening. Memang ignore till people feel annoyed sometimes. Heeeeee, sorry I just noticed this, my bad.
I tempted for world. straightly, strictly lost from the right path.

I don't really realized the moment when I had the intention to change. No. I didn't look for a change, I looked for the missing pieces. I must say that I have enough in this life, the wealth of what my family have is just enough even we're not like others, I have the education which never enough, I have the full of spices life but still I was feeling something was missing. I couldn't see what was missing but I knew that thing is something big. something that would has a big impact on me. The searching was so torturing, kinda depressing la juga.

In order to rearrange myself, I stopped listening to random musics, cut down my time on internet, I don't get updated about idols or what. Even so I went online, I only would view those blogs of my fave (I really wanna greet them and thank them in person). So I started listening to nasyeed songs again after a quite long time I didn't haha. You wont expect to find something big in it. and so did I.

I got my answer in that song. a nasyeed song yang tak famous pun, sorta. But this is my favorite song ever since I was in standard 5 till now.

"Oh Tuhan, benarlah tiada bahagia tanpa iman
benarlah tiada kebahagian tanpa Islam dijiwa"
 Tragedi Diana, Devotees

That verse struck me real hard. That was what I had been missing all the time, and I shall not tell you guys what happened then. Let's make it a history :)
Maybe, Allah sampaikan what I was finding through this song. then, it is all up to me where to continue, what to fix and bring things right back. kebetulan masa tu I was studying Hadith 40 and one of the hadith really did lempang me on my face.

On the authority of Tamim Al-Dari that the prophet said:
 "Religion is sincerity". We said: "To whom?" He said: "To Allah and His Book, and His messenger, and to the leaders of the Muslims and their common folk". - narrated by Muslim

My own religion is sincerity, the nasihat itself but I was terhegeh-hegeh finding nasihat from others, boleh pulak tang minta advice from random people here and there. The advice was near to me, it is just me who had forgotten it. God the almighty had brought me to life and left me with the guidance but I was too arrogant. Guidance tu reti baca but never learnt from it. 
After I had a nice slap from this hadith, I turned to read the Al -Quran with the translations. 

 Surah Ar-Ra'd, The Holy Quran

Terkedu kejap when I read this ayah, I read it a few times, ulang ulang.

Just wanna get out from this odd life of mine, yang ah astray from the real purpose as human in this world, as a muslim. 
and it won't change immediately, like pooooff! Yeayy dah duduk on right lane. No. I need to work out something big, I need to sacrifice, I need to thrown my old self. I have to detach from this worldly ocean. 

I was sinking in the dunya ocean and now I am gasping for air cus in the ocean it is just too hard for me to breathe. I think I had drank like gallons of the worldly ocean water and my body was hurt of the sharp and mean coral reefs. 

and the hardest part of it is dealing with your heart. You have to refill, re-brand, renew your heart. to empty and detach the contents of it pun already hard and tortured enough. But, the result is worth. I somewhat rasa macam more carefree and tak terikat to any of world offers. just nice and you can exactly feel how to breathe lightly and the peace just flow into your body and life, and that is the moment when you can possibly shout, I FINALLY LIVE MY LIFE or whatever. 

I do hope that this will last long till the end of my last breath, I dont want to be pushed off from any cliffs, I wanna stay in the right path and just prepare myself for that day. Life is devotion to god, after all.

till then.