Level up, encore?

Last night was the night that I might say, a night keeping up with the girls. I've been too busy since semester 3 has started and yeah I skipped a lot reading their messages because they usually are a lot like hundreds in 10 minutes. Ain't the type to scroll everything :P

Most of the updates that I got from my high school friends are currently moving to another level of life phase. Back then in school, the thing that we talked everyday was about crushes. Those who went to tuition classes were the ones who will tell those stories. The stories would be just like, "Ahh, semalam **** ada dekat tuition! I sat beside him like OMG he's perfect, he even smiled at me ..." something like that. Basically those stories would be just about eyes-contacts, less than 1 minute conversation with their crushes and the list goes on and on and on... It is endless. I can't really imagine how the girls felt during those times because I am *proudly* 215% clean from having crush. But thaaat, is now a history.

I realized that it is not only one of us, but there are several of us. These girls, they no longer think that having relationship is for fun. It is like they have a strategic planning of future inside their mind. I told them that I still can't move on from the days with the girls, but what they said to me that, we are no longer 17 or 18. Years of being immature, not thinking seriously, taking people for granted etc. We're 19 now and in few months we will taste our first 2-0 years. That "2" makes them realized that we have to take everything seriously. You can study and keep on studying if you wish for it but it is pretty hard to establish a relationship which you seek for a marriage in it- this is when I was like wait.. they're serious about marriage?! GIRLS YOU GUYS HAVE GROWN UP!

I laughed at first because they weren't the type that would say such things but lol never underestimate your friends. I did compare my status to theirs. Laughed again hahahaha say what, I don't really have that kind of planning. Yeah I do have that specific "level-up" episode, by 23 - get married to whoever it is. That's it and but they said that how am I gonna get to that level up phase when I don't have anyone.

To be frank, I don't think that we should force something to happen before its own dedicated time. The right person would walk into your life at the right time because basically he/she is the right one so everything will be right, no?

Next, why it is so freaking easy for you guys to find that right person to match you, like it doesn't even happen to me. You just met with that person like for few months and now you're in relationship like whoa guys, that is so freaking fast like I just lost count on time. So easy to build trust for each other and yeah why it looks so easy?

Okay this is what I often ask my friends who have boyfriends/fiance - how did you guys start it? Qu'est-ce qui c'est passe? What happened? Don't you guys feel weird like to tell someone that you like, Hey thereeeeee I just wanna tell that I like you so much, can we get together? Is it that straight forward? If it so, don't you guys have guts to say out loud those things? Aren't you shy? It is someone you like kot! I can't even talk to my crush 'cus I don't know, j'ai peur, I am scared. When you go out on dates, gosh aren't you feel like suddenly getting asthma or heart attack with all means of being nervous or whatever it is - you're meeting someone you like kot! Thank god, my crush is in different university, I don't have to worry meeting him or whatever as those kind of things won't happen hahaha last time I accidently met him, lol I couldn't even look at him and all I wanted to do was running away from the scene and guys, it was so torturing and awkward. How could you survive more than 5 minutes sitting together. I died right after noticing it was him. But, you guys are incredible, you guys survived and didn't die. Impressive!

It is complicated though. The most important thing is how come you guys are so sure that both of you and your crush/someone you like have mutual feelings for each other? Seriously, I can't brain this. Are you guys psychics? You read others' minds? Whoa, now it is proven that love can do everything and it can grant you super powers! Oh yeah, mutual feelings. It doesn't even make sense that you know his/her feeling unless that person tells you, no? In my case, I am 100% sure that it is only me who like him and if this person gets to know that I have some feeling for him, I am pretty sure, without doubt that he would laugh and he won't even care. It would be impossible cus I don't know I'm not in his league though. His circle of friends are different from mine, he's a genius, sure that he got a lot of fans and I'm one of them, in that particular minority that he doesn't even care about. He is way more superior than me. The first time I met him, I hate him so yeah that's probably why. But on rare occasions, we do talk, having conversations which would last for 4 to 6 replies. You, I know you won't be reading this. No one can guess it is you.

Funny right? But hey, just keep on the track. Having the right person or not, believe that the time will come. It might be someone else, not that person that you've dreaming for years or months or days or hours lewls

After all, this is a part of His plan and just have faith. Life can't be this fun if there's no secret.

How it has been for now

Peace be upon all :) waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaait a minute, phew. It has been a long long long time I haven't written anything here.

Well, I tried a few times to just spend a little time to sit down and write. But it always ends with just an empty post for hours. I should really like have some time for blogging. To just write and let out everything so I could be me.

What am I thinking.

Am I not being me? Yes... It is so stressing here! I am currently in semester 2 and it is just a month and I feel like dying already. Too much works in a time, you have two to five documents to be read in a day or a week and you have supplement assignment and these factual politics thingy to be memorised and an event to be handled within a month and lots of stuff are happening.

I barely could enjoy myself. It does feel like this is a phase where I've never had in my life, I've never been this busy. I ignore people and most of my me-time is now dedicated only to do readings and readings. I don't do things I usually do. All my readings genre has been changed, no more romance novels, thriller or those stuff I used to read. Now, I only read factual-history-world-issue-economics-politics stuff combined into one. It is hard to like find the spark of enjoyment when reading books. It is no longer there.

I ignore people. A lot. I only talk to those who are involved with my works and studies only. Even my friends who are in the same college with me, I barely talk to them. Those who I used to talk and joke around when I am bored are totally ignored by me. It's not like I don't want to talk to them,but the thing is I don't even have time to joke. Whenever I talk to my high school mates, I am the one who spilling out every single thing that I feel like burdening me at the moment. I wish I could talk to everyone like I used to do.

Emotionally unstable. I haven't fallen for people for ages and yeah getting to be 18 and now I am turning 19. Whoa time moves fast and I can't believe it. I hate having feelings for people because it makes me feel vulnerable and somehow I want to be clingy. I don't get it why I am such weak to not be independent enough? Like those years I've been relying on myself not others but me and Him only.

People really know how to knock you down, aight?

Let's pray I would be good and survive the whole four semester!


I want to skate. Bring me my rollers and I will be good. Trust me.

Of yesterday's dream

This evening, I was packing my stuff. It turned out that I found this old notebook of mine in the locker. Specifically, the notebook that I brought here and there for interviews, meetings, shopping etc etc

I am a taurus, okay. Notebooks are essential.

It happened that I flipped through the pages one by one, reading again all those weird, messy, stupid writings in it. Not all of them are stupid writings, there are good ones too lol There were like 4 pages, all I could see were the german words, which of course I still remember what they mean.

They are the pages of my unsung dream. The dream of being someone that I'd been planning for years and years of high school. I know, I shouldn't have these kind of conflicts now but you know they just keep on coming to make me doubt. I still honestly, sometimes think that I should have been doing thaaaaat,that that that dream of being an engineer. Ugh, to write it down the word 'e n g i n e e r' is totally hard enough though. Don't ask me why I am taking such a long time to move on from the fact that I am unable to live that old dream. Dude, since 13 - I had never been setting up any other goals than this one. None. Until this year, everything changed so drastically, it is no longer Germany but France, it is not Engineering but Political Science, not anymore Pure Science, Physics, Chemistry or what, it is now Social Sciences, economics, history, business. All the things are totally on the other side of the world that I thought I won't be living in . Never once I thought about France before, ended up now I have my A2 in French already.

It is drastic change. It is, no doubt.

I cried way too many times. From the first time until now, when someone asked me why giving up on engineering, going through sleepless nights during semester 1, losing appetite for almost a month because  there was a lot to be settled, you had to sacrifice your needs. I lied each time I say 'I am doing all good, fine great, cool, awesome...' it wasn't it. I had the thought of dropping out this programme because it felt so hard!

but, hey I made it through the first 6 months. Alhamdulillah. Only some knew how I was in the last 6 months. Horrible. To be honest, last 6 months were the phase that I had never felt that inferior feeling, stressed, down.

It was hard. I still have to wake up in the morning and remind myself not to think about that old dream, I have bigger goals now. That old, dusty dream should be erased by now.


But one thing that I learned is, I shouldn't have doubt the plans that He has for me. It is way better than mine and I shouldn't complain, right?