Giving it back

Peace be upon you :)

Today, I was randomly reading articles from the internet and I stumbled upon this one topic about giving and receiving. It made me think on how this two words rhyme together but they actually are two different actions that compliment each other.

But does that mean these actions will both happen to the giver and receiver? - I mean the one who gives will he or she receive from the person that gets his/her gift and vice versa. I don't believe so :)

I think all of us must have received a gift at least once in our lifetime and do you still remember the excitement and how happy you are when you have it your hands? It totally boosts up your mood and eventually you'll mark that day as one of the best day ever in your journal entry and somehow for me, when this thing happens - I would be telling myself that this person should be getting something from me to make it fair for him or her.

If I don't even prepare a return gift to the person, does it mean I am not being fair? Actually, for me in giving and receiving, there is no such thing like being fair. Why? Let's get back to when we first decide that 'Oh! I should be  am getting this fella a gift.' did anyone tell you that it is a must to do it? No, it is a choice. Indeed, our very own choice. So, at this moment we are well aware that we might not be getting back what we give from that particular person, it doesn't ricochet in that manner for some groups of people.

Like me, myself that I barely know (I'm still figuring out, lol does that even make sense?), I hardly give people stuff like present or gift whatever it is that needs me to choose the item by myself for the reason that I am afraid I might be getting wrong gift. But, there are exceptions too. I do get people stuff, I do this 'give and receive' ritual. I personally believe that this kind of attitude of giving was cultured from the years of I've been receiving gifts. For 20 years of living, I've spent 19 years of getting cakes and gifts for whatever achievements I got and for birthdays etc. I still remember vividly the feeling when someone give me something, it really makes my day.

So then I think, I've been experiencing the joy of being the receiver for years, why not this time I share and spread the same feeling to other people, preferably my favourite ones. I am so blessed that I am surrounded with people that never stop to encourage me. Besides my family, I have this one group of friends who would constantly ask me about my studies, my exams, my day - basically everything! As I could remember I have never gone to sit for my exams without getting any good luck wishes from these people. You would say that they are just wishes, nothing more. But to me, wishes are more than that, it is like you know there are people who are counting on you, believe in you so much and you cannot crush them with another failure. So these wishes that I received from my mates, I give them back, some to the ones who gave them first and some to the people that I think they might need it.

There was once, I was wishing my good friend good luck for the upcoming exam (if I'm not mistaken) and my other friend who apparently saw my messages told me:-

"why would you wish that person when you already know he wouldn't even care to send you a good luck text when it comes to your turn having exams and stuff? Don't you think you've wasted your time?"

I did believe in her for a while hahaha well, I did expect the same thing to happen but as what I said earlier, what you give might not return to you in the same circle. The circle may break, the gift flows to another person and it probably won't be you. Same thing will happen to us, we might be getting wishes and gifts from unexpected people. Like when I have this university interview, I was hoping for some people to wish me but I haved other people that I barely talked to, suddenly came out of nowhere and wished me good luck. It made my day too even they are not the people I hoped for.

Gifts can be for remembrance, as gratitude, as forgive me-kit, they can be anything :) so, we don't randomly give things to people. They might be someone who is really significant to us. You give according to how you placed this one person in your life and for other individual, each person is placed differently in their lives. That what makes us tend to appreciate people more, it is based on how we value someone. You might be my favourite person but for you, I might be just a common friend like your any other friends.

Don't be sad when things just don't happen the way you want them to be. Circles may break. Afterall, did you notice that, we are never being forced to give, we voluntarily give. It is one act out of love :) when you love, you don't get to decide who it will be - it just happens.

Have you heard of this one quote?

"What a child doesn't receive he can seldom give later."

 -P.D James

 Afterall, it wouldn't harm you to give once for a while, isn't it? Good night :)

Reviewing life (rofl)

Hey there, peace be upon you.

Currently I am supposed to update my CV and motivational letters and those stuffs concerning the university applications but I am so not in the mood of doing it, a lot of changes need to be done and yet I haven't gotten my lecturers to proofread the documents. Anyway, late night thoughts are quite rare for me to have it, so I somehow want to make a post about it.

And whatever it is, *you may guess* it will always be about tomorrow (fast-forward to end of June). This year will be the biggest year; I'm turning 20, the departure (inshaAllah), interviews, travelling etc etc the list will go on and on and on and pretty endless.

A bit scary, yeah I know.

Each of us, we have our own future projects. A very organized, clear and precised plans. When my friends talk about these things, I realized something about them, about us. They're not like usual kids at our age, they're matured, they have plans and they totally know how to get to the end and so freaking professional. I am amazed by them and so grateful to get to know them, I must say that they have a big role in shaping me too lol the way I think now is totally influenced by my classmates and of course, the lecturers too. I never really care to think about world politics before, or even to talk about history randomly during lunch or analysing actions of the leaders - but now, it becomes something normal to be talked about. I would say if you're not up to these topics and fields, you don't really want to hangout with me and my fellow friends. Well, we do not talk politics, economics or history all the times! We do know how to socialize, my classmates play Dota, they spend hours playing videos games and the girls, we watched those ridiculous malay dramas and we do get updated about our favourite artists too. We are absolutely normal. I have a few friends saying that we don't have a life, every day is reading day, doing presentations bla bla bla bla

We read, yes everyday but we are not studying. We are learning.

This new semester is quite free for my class, we don't even have classes at 8 a.m. as all classes start at 10 a.m.or 12 noon and there's only 4 days of classes a week, weekend starts on Friday. We got two days, class finishes at 9 almost 10 p.m. but that's okay for us. Economics and business are fun subjects so we have no problem with night classes. Tiring a bit but our schedule is the most heaven compared to other engineer classes:D

In my class, precisely my group: our lecturers are all male lecturers and I tell you what, some of them are good looking. I mean, at least you'll have eye candy for the very last semester hahahahahaha they're intelligent too and I don't know how to describe them. You have to attend their classes! *This case doesn't apply to everyone*

I have a semester reading - we have to finish a book on mass media by March and submit an analysis of the book. Apparently, the book is really thick and the professor provides us with the PDF copy of it and for person like me; who can't handle reading something on screens - I might be having tough times to digest the content of the book and this will makeme struggle to write the analysis. So, we decided to get a hard copy of the book and start reading it straight away, well at least we can write something on the pages- it helps for better understanding and grasping the ideas.

For this whole semester, we have a lot of research to do which means a lot of readings to be done. Every week we have like two - three documents to read and analyse, prepare questions and spend like an hour listening to friends' presentations, taking notes and everything. The topics are a bit tough now, it is no longer fun topics as we talk more on ethinicity, religion issues, wars, the immigrants and things like that. The worst part is we have to prepare 7 news of the selected regions for a press review, one person will be reviewing each week so none of us can escape actually. So everyweek we have to search for current issues and analyse, comment them and be killed by the questions.

It sounds so hard but I think if you're positive and manage your time well, you'll be more than okay :)

That's all for now, merci beaucoup tout le monde et bonne nuit :*

p/s: I am toatally dead today cus I forgot to bring my assignment  during the discussion today but my lecturer is a nice guy, so I survived!

Long story short, 2015 the sickest year

Assalamualaikum my dearest readerssss :D lol (as if there's someone reading this)


Just few more minutes to start another year, the year I anticipated a lot since I was 13 years old cus well, 20 sounds so professional, the age of maturity and "adult". I don't know why but I've always thought that those people in their 20s especially the fresh 20 year-old folks are starting a new phase of life. So, all I can say that I regard my 20th year is one of the important years in my life.

Talking about 2015, phew what a year you've been! Full of surprises, unexpected things and lot of sickness lol. Everything was too fast, I couldn't even jot down everything that happened throughout this year. Looking back at my journal, there are like 10 pages only I've used for 2015. One entry per month. Totally different because for the previous years, my journals were quite full of entries, I even have two, three entries a day. Maybe I was a little bit free back in those years. So while I still have good memories of what had happened in 2015, let's just summarize 'em up!

First and foremost, it would always be about my studies wooohoooo, Alhamdulillah I finished my third semester last November. I would say that this year is full of test especially language tests. I've sat for DELF B1 and aww yissss, I am a certified B1 French user. It wasn't easy actually because I didn't really pay attention to my French... So I struggled a bit during the test but Alhamdulillah I passed and that is the last official French test in our preparation program.

Second test is of course IELTS. We're required to take this test (usually those who are going to France and Germany don't need to take English proficiency test) because we will be enrolled (insyaAllah) to private universities which most of the subjects will be taught in English, so it is just like in the UK and Australia. taking Ielts wasn't really a good episode actually because I had to take twice just because ScPo(the university that I aim to go) increased the band and minimum requirement for each section. The test was held in one day, three sections were held continuously for three hours and the speaking test was in the afternoon. Unfortunately, I wasn't sleeping well the night before the test day and I thought I would just be fine during the test but nah.

I was so freaking sleepy throughout the test and yeah 100% focus is very important but I was already exhausted so yeah I screwed up. The result wasn't really bad actually but I have to re-sit to get a higher band.

To re-sit the test wasn't free and the fee is quite high but I still have some savings and managed to cover it. I received (It's already 2016 when I wrote this) the results a few days ago, Alhamdulillah I scored higher than I expect. I couldn't believe it at first, I even refreshed the page few times lol but I am done with it.

2015 was a year full of interviews too. I mean mock interviews which really had taught me how to deal with the real interview. As we've been informed ScPo interview will be quite tough so I was quite worried and nervous the night before the MOCK interview, you won't believe me that I actually caught a fever as I was too scared and sobbing over the phone, talking to my parents. But the interview went quite okay for me, the  feedbacks were nice even though I did embarrass myself in the interview hahahaha well let's just don't talk about it lol

Talking about getting sick in 2015, it was a never-ending issue for three months continuously. August, September and October - should be the sickest months ever in my life. I've been in and out of hospitals and clinics for these three months. Actually, getting fever isn't really a new thing for me, I get it every time I have tests, interviews or whatever that makes me feel nervous or scared.

But in August, the fever was quite different and longer than before, I was on and off of fever for three weeks and then later I discovered I had photophobia as I noticed that I couldn't bear looking at something bright for more than 10 seconds, I always looked like crying and eyes were red all the time. So at that moment, I wasn't aware of the fever that I had because I really thought it was my exam fever but when my eyes condition got worse, I went to clinic for a check-up and aha got suspected for dengue fever. They took my blood but the to check the blood content wasn't working at that time so, I really thought I was okay. A week after that, I got rashes and the fever was quite bad so I went to hospital at 10 pm with a friend. That was the worst experience ever, lepas ambil darah bagai, I spent 2 hours waiting to see the doctor and another 2 hours for the blood result. Around 2 am, I got called and darah kena ambil lagi for kidney and liver tests, I didn't know what was my platelets reading but I was admitted to the ward.

My first time being admitted. Ya Allah, when they insert the IV tube, sakit tu tak payah cakap lah. My friend went back to MFI cus it was really late and she got class tomorrow morning. Dah la first time kena admit, kena tinggal sorang sorang, barang tak bawak - I only had my purse and phone - credit tak ada, tak subscribe data, memang totally out of connection. Menangis juga lah dalam ward tu, mana tak nya. I think my condition was quite bad, three bags of IV drip and doctors came for blood taking every one hour. Tangan kanan memang lebam dengan bekas jarum ambil darah. The enxt morning, the nurse told me that I have to stay for maybe one more day but I insisted to go back home, so they let me out but had several follow up. Pagi lepas subuh tu baru tahu I had dengue fever so Igot scolded by the doctor sebab lambat pergi hospital.

That was my second time getting dengue fever, the first one wasn't really bad compared to this one. Well Alhamdulillah, I recovered :)

and I thought my sakit sakit season would end there but not at all. I still had fever for quite a long time and there you go, my first time fainting. To summarize - fever, dehydration cus I was fasting on that day (forgot to sahur and lambat buka puasa sebab ada kelas sampai pukul 9 pm) and hypotension - everything was black and white and the world was spiralling, I thought it wasn't serious so went to surau for Isyak. Duduk then when I opened my eyes dah selamat terbaring, orang tengah kipas kipas dah. Fainted and yeah to hospital we gooo. Dapatlah loads of medicines and wasn't allowed to fast in three months time. As usual, got back at 4 am and cried. Sakit sakit season continued for severe coughing thanks to haze, I got lung infection in October, went to hospital again. Yang ini memang I cried so bad because getting sick was very tiring and I couldn't do many things, I lost my motivations and all I could say, it was a very tough time. Throughout 2015, I had a total of 16 days of absence - all supported with MCs. WHAT A RECORD!

ward registration

Beds were all occupied, 'drinking' like a boss while waiting for my bed

 Lepas tu dah sihat Alhamdulillah ;)

Take note about your health, jangan main main. Eat healthy and do some physical activities. Don't be like me.

But during the finals, for the first time in my life - I didn't get sick! Not even flu or fever :D It was an achievement for me hahaha hopefully this will stay forever.

Enough with this sakit sakit drama.

I really don't want any of it to happen again but I realized that I actually learned a lot from my experiences in 2015. I got to know people better because at times of hardships, not everyone will be there and what happened to me is that the one who was present at those times wasn't the person that I expected to be there. This kind of people, they might not involve in most of your daily life but they will be in the frame of bad days or whenever you need help.

For those who had been waiting for me at hospitals for hours (yang tolong hantar pun!) - I thanked you so much. I wish I could give you back all your time spent waiting for me. Those who got me food, gave me endless support, hugs when I was so down with the sickness and lack of motivation - you're indeed great people. I thank god for surrounding me with the kindest and nicest people. Also to those who spent their time listening to me complaining about my studies and everything. You lot are very kind :)

I spent 2015 with the best people that I could ask for who had made it, a remarkable year. I might not be talking to some of you constantly in the past year, but believe me, once  I've acknowledged you in my life, you'll remain forever :)

2016 will be an exciting year, many of us are getting ready for our departures, a year that could totally change our lives. Whatever challenges we will have in this new year, bear in mind they will pass and we shall move forward. I wish that all of us will get to fulfil our new year resolutions, be a better of version of ourselves, a good servant and child.

Thanks for everything people, I love each of you even though I act like I hate you, trust me I have no reason to do that (sakit hati sikit sikit adalah, biasa lah aku pun manusia hahaha)


Last but not least, HAPPY NEW YEAR everybody and if you're reading this post, man - what kind of creature are you? Thanks a lot for wasting your time reading those bad experiences and rants, I like you lots :D

p/s: I already got myself my new year gift, what about you? I'll share later in the next post about the gift :)