May 25, 2016

Turning 20 and first challenge

I got my friends asking me why they couldn't find me on twitter and I told them I've deactivated my account.

I don't know why but I am not enjoying being 20 for now. I've a lot of things happening and they're making me feel so devastated, hopeless and blank.

Let's make long story short, I got my university admission results a week ago and I wasn't accepted by my first choice university. When I got to know that, honestly speaking, I was not sad at all and instead I felt so relieved (I don't lie, trust me.). Only 4 of us managed to make it as the university or what we call them in French, Grande École, prestigious higher education institute has a admission quota for Malaysian which is 4 persons. So, I must say that my friends who got there totally deserved the places.

and me on the other hand, I have to change my course. I won't be doing Political Science anymore, I have to completely change my current future projects in a split second. I was then left with two more possibilities of pursuing my studies in Economics or Business Management. A few days ago, our professors released the results for another two grandes écoles and I got the one that I did not expect to get at all.

I had breakdown for days. I've never been in that kind of situation, a happy go lucky, outgoing me suddenly turned to be a passive me. I couldn't talk to anyone, I avoided everyone, I skipped my meals.

Don't you say that it's just a small problem, "why would you stress yourself over it?"

How would you feel when your detailed life plan has to be changed and you have to execute the new one in less than one month, alone without visible support? How can you possibly forget your passion in a short time?

I took freaking 2 years to completely get out of my childhood dream to take engineering and slowly convinced myself that I am in this new field, that is totally contrary to what I ever wanted. Now, when I've finally found my ground in political science, once again I am not meant to take it and I have to to something that I despise a lot and it will be what my degree and master about.

I swear I know and aware that I don't get to decide what I want. I know but He actually knows the best for me. But to go through once again all those stuggles, it's not easy. You may see me laughing and smiling in the pictures with my friends or when I was texting anyone, I didn't even sound like I was struggling. No silly, you don't show your dark side to people. Of course you don't want to influence anyone else with your negative vibes that attacking you.

I know I can't blame anyone as it is what I've been uttering in my prayers everyday.
"If a matter is good for every aspect in my life, present and hereafter, bring me closer to it and bring it closer to me. But if a matter is bad for every aspect of mt life, present and hereafter, avoid me from it and avoid it from me."

I hope that I will unfold the answers sooner. I'm in a tough phase and everything seems to be difficult for me now. Really, I couldn't even describe how I feel.

Note to myself, always always always be thankful for whatever it is. God's testing you, He will never let one down.