How it has been for now

Peace be upon all :) waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaait a minute, phew. It has been a long long long time I haven't written anything here.

Well, I tried a few times to just spend a little time to sit down and write. But it always ends with just an empty post for hours. I should really like have some time for blogging. To just write and let out everything so I could be me.

What am I thinking.

Am I not being me? Yes... It is so stressing here! I am currently in semester 2 and it is just a month and I feel like dying already. Too much works in a time, you have two to five documents to be read in a day or a week and you have supplement assignment and these factual politics thingy to be memorised and an event to be handled within a month and lots of stuff are happening.

I barely could enjoy myself. It does feel like this is a phase where I've never had in my life, I've never been this busy. I ignore people and most of my me-time is now dedicated only to do readings and readings. I don't do things I usually do. All my readings genre has been changed, no more romance novels, thriller or those stuff I used to read. Now, I only read factual-history-world-issue-economics-politics stuff combined into one. It is hard to like find the spark of enjoyment when reading books. It is no longer there.

I ignore people. A lot. I only talk to those who are involved with my works and studies only. Even my friends who are in the same college with me, I barely talk to them. Those who I used to talk and joke around when I am bored are totally ignored by me. It's not like I don't want to talk to them,but the thing is I don't even have time to joke. Whenever I talk to my high school mates, I am the one who spilling out every single thing that I feel like burdening me at the moment. I wish I could talk to everyone like I used to do.

Emotionally unstable. I haven't fallen for people for ages and yeah getting to be 18 and now I am turning 19. Whoa time moves fast and I can't believe it. I hate having feelings for people because it makes me feel vulnerable and somehow I want to be clingy. I don't get it why I am such weak to not be independent enough? Like those years I've been relying on myself not others but me and Him only.

People really know how to knock you down, aight?

Let's pray I would be good and survive the whole four semester!


I want to skate. Bring me my rollers and I will be good. Trust me.

Of yesterday's dream

This evening, I was packing my stuff. It turned out that I found this old notebook of mine in the locker. Specifically, the notebook that I brought here and there for interviews, meetings, shopping etc etc

I am a taurus, okay. Notebooks are essential.

It happened that I flipped through the pages one by one, reading again all those weird, messy, stupid writings in it. Not all of them are stupid writings, there are good ones too lol There were like 4 pages, all I could see were the german words, which of course I still remember what they mean.

They are the pages of my unsung dream. The dream of being someone that I'd been planning for years and years of high school. I know, I shouldn't have these kind of conflicts now but you know they just keep on coming to make me doubt. I still honestly, sometimes think that I should have been doing thaaaaat,that that that dream of being an engineer. Ugh, to write it down the word 'e n g i n e e r' is totally hard enough though. Don't ask me why I am taking such a long time to move on from the fact that I am unable to live that old dream. Dude, since 13 - I had never been setting up any other goals than this one. None. Until this year, everything changed so drastically, it is no longer Germany but France, it is not Engineering but Political Science, not anymore Pure Science, Physics, Chemistry or what, it is now Social Sciences, economics, history, business. All the things are totally on the other side of the world that I thought I won't be living in . Never once I thought about France before, ended up now I have my A2 in French already.

It is drastic change. It is, no doubt.

I cried way too many times. From the first time until now, when someone asked me why giving up on engineering, going through sleepless nights during semester 1, losing appetite for almost a month because  there was a lot to be settled, you had to sacrifice your needs. I lied each time I say 'I am doing all good, fine great, cool, awesome...' it wasn't it. I had the thought of dropping out this programme because it felt so hard!

but, hey I made it through the first 6 months. Alhamdulillah. Only some knew how I was in the last 6 months. Horrible. To be honest, last 6 months were the phase that I had never felt that inferior feeling, stressed, down.

It was hard. I still have to wake up in the morning and remind myself not to think about that old dream, I have bigger goals now. That old, dusty dream should be erased by now.


But one thing that I learned is, I shouldn't have doubt the plans that He has for me. It is way better than mine and I shouldn't complain, right?

Rant part 1

When I feel down, I would always end up spilling everything on a piece of paper. I will write everything I want to tell, and I am not telling it to the book, but to my God.

the book, the paper; it's just a medium for me to speak.