Stop, I need a break

It has been like almost three months I'm here, in MFI.yeah, currently here doing preparation for Pre-France program.

well, frankly speaking doing something that wasn't in my list at all. But Alhamdulillah despite of not getting what I wanted to do, I still got the chance to study abroad.

Three months and I've been through a lot too. Didn't get much time to go online and write. Life never gonna be fun without the ups and downs. Too much ups and downs, I guess.

And to think like that, I've always thought that I ain't strong enough to carry all these pressure. It feels heavy. It suffocates.I lost my space.

I keep on thinking that I am losing every single thing that I used to have back then. Not to forget, I did once think to just give up. But hey, the path is never easy, whether I am taking the right ones or the left ones. The difficulties are there, couldn't avoid them. This makes me come to think why I am freaking sad about going through these challenges.Why dear self? Why so weak?

Maybe. I am getting too comfortable with my life back then. Not having so much pressure, feeling free and I was surrounded with those great people.

Or in other word, I am way too attached with what seems to appear physically in front of me.

And when those things start to fade away from my sight, I am sad because I know I am losing something. This is getting serious, I long for something that can be seen and touchable so then I think I have them, they're here; they exist.

Tonight, I sit down and finally able to talk to myself. Existence is not proven with physical presence. Of course! Air, tell me where is the air? Love, we often tell that we feel the love,we have the love but where is the love? Locate it, tell me how it looks like, capture it in a jar so that I can see. No, you cannot. Because existence is more than presence.


I wish I don't rely on what I see.

Cus I know He is always there even I can't see Him, I supposed to feel His love.

please, pray that I will stay strong. doing all these things because to please Him alone, for the sake of deen.

Frustration

I had been wondering for the whole week. Why I am being so frustrated lately. Almost on everything. I did anything wrong or I was not satisfied or and or and or and or. It is just and endless questioning.

So, I think I can't be in frustration all the time, it might make me stressed! and no way I am going to let myself become so tensed. You have no idea how stressing it is cus whenever I got frustrated, I become so hopeless, weak, I don't know how to fight back those frustrations!

It is hard.

Verily, in every hardship comes easiness.

I noticed one thing in this frustration problem. After I tried to bring myself up again, I feel this you know this kind of 'I am strong', I can bear this even it is hard. I feel stronger and I can see things in good way like why this isn't for me etc

It feels like you are having direct tarbiyah from Allah :) cus He is the only one who holds every heart. He knows how to fix those broken hearts.

I erase it and continue sketching.

This is the phase where everyone talks about universities and courses and future undertakings etc etc and I admit that sometimes it is stressing just to hear people mentioning about that.

But, we can't never run away from those topics. It is like a must topic to be discussed in one's life. your life, my life, their lives and no one can actually escape from this. well, there is exceptional.

Back then, I was the loudest one to talk about future undertakings and I had this life plan of next 5 years, 10 years and 20 years. I was so detailed about planning my future, no doubt. I still have the 5 years life schedule. So, in the previous post I had explained how I erased all the plans and redraw it.

Alhamdulillah, I am currently sketching. But, this time it is not that easy. It is getting tougher and tougher and tougher. I almost give up, yeap a few days ago but you know, the One who holds your heart, He won't let that happen.

I haven't told anyone how actually I am feeling right now cus they just don't get it.

and you know what, I am thankful enough as I was well-trained by myself not to spill too much to human. and whoever was randomly picked by me, trust me what I told you was like 5% only.

the rest of 95%, you know Who.